Big Picture

Sometimes we get stuck. We get in funks. Dark funks. Valleys where nothing makes sense, we have nothing to look forward to, few things bring joy, etc. I've been in this valley a lot this summer. It's been a season of just...waiting. A season of seemingly nothingness. A season of great frustration.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go back to Cookeville to spend the weekend with some friends. Most of the weekend I was in awe, through spending time with friends, of the changing seasons of life. It seems like just yesterday we were meeting once a week in our ladies group, chatting about classes, boys, etc. Now I've been married just over a year, one has been married just over a month, one just had a baby last week! Much rejoicing :)

Then Sunday came. And I got to spend some sweet, sweet time, rejoicing over a family who are in the midst of changing seasons themselves. This family has been such an influence in my life for the last 5 years. As I sat in the midst of that room, hearing story after story of how this family has blessed so many people's lives, I couldn't help but think back to how deeply they've blessed my own.

I heard the husband/father of this family speak for the first time in my first semester at Tech, when I got a flyer in my mailbox on campus about a series this college ministry was doing, called iDate. As I was in the midst of an engagement that was going nowhere good, I went. And I heard truths, biblical truths about dating, love, and marriage; truths I'd never heard before.

It would be about a year before I found myself attending this ministry regularly, but boy when I did, I was swept into the current of it and experienced beautiful, biblical, powerful community like I never knew existed. A few months later, this family was looking for a babysitter for their lifegroup. I needed some extra money, so I volunteered. Little did I know how much babysitting that group of amazing, amazing children every Wednesday night for the next two years would impact me. It was the most blessed, fun night of my week for a long time. I had this beautiful opportunity to go into this beautiful, Christian home every week and soak in what a loving, Christ-centered marriage looked like, what a Christ-centered family looked like. Almost a year before I got married, I needed a place to live for a few months. And I found myself sharing a roof with this family :) I got to live in their basement for nearly a year and learn from them even more. It was an honor. And I'm still discovering how much of an impact that time with them had on me.

And as I sat there Sunday, and recounted this journey, I was overwhelmed at how far the Lord has brought me. From when I first came to Cookeville, having just met Jesus and trying to figure out how to live for him, ending an engagement, in which we were just both lost and stumbling....to now almost 5 years later...I've been married over a year, I'm living in a new state, I get to be part of something huge that the Lord is doing in the Tri-Cities area...and I have enough sweet memories from the past 5 years to last a lifetime. However, I know the journey is far from over and I can't wait to see what else God has in store for us :)

That simple act of stepping back, taking a look at the big picture, instead of getting lost in the day to day chores and frustrations, was so healing for me.

 Ironically, as I was thinking about all of this before I sat down to type, I remembered that the devotion we read last week was entitled, "Big Picture." And in it, Gary Thomas, reminded us that we must keep our focus on the big picture in our marriages also.

Over the last few months, inspired by a book I read, I've thought a lot about what kind of legacy I want to leave. I knew going into marriage that I wanted to break the chain of infidelity and divorce that has plagued my own family. I realize that is a huge goal and mission in itself. But more than that, I want my children and grandchildren to remember coming from a Christ-centered, happy, loving, fun, inviting home. I want them to never doubt how much they are valued and loved, by their parents and by Jesus.

So that is my big picture that I remind myself to focus on. I easily get overwhelmed and frustrated anymore by things as simple as cleaning our home. My husband can certainly attest to that! So I focus on things that will help me to become a good wife, a good mother someday.

We have to step back, away from our daily frustrations, and first of all, remember where God has brought us, what He has done in our lives. And then remember that He also has a future for us! And His plan is so big and beautiful and powerful that we can't even fathom it, friends! And we are privileged to come along for the ride, truly.

Big picture, friends, big picture. Step back and remember it when those everyday things start to bring you down.


*Sorry if this is sloppy, jotting it down quickly...gotta fix dinner! :)

Stripped

There's something so special, romantic, and beautiful in going away with the one you love. It could be a weekend retreat to a cabin by the lake. It could be day trip to a favorite location. It could be a honeymoon. A cruise. A road trip. There's something sweet, and even needed, in stepping away from distractions, responsibilities, everyday life, to just be with the one you love. A time to simply focus on and love each other. To sit and enjoy one another's company. To delight in creation together.
    
Do you know that Jesus wants those times with us also? It could be the gift of the Sabbath, one day each week to rest and dwell in His presence. It could be an scheduled sabbatical from the duties of serving. It could simply be a long, prayerful walk on a cloudy afternoon.

Sometimes, however, it's not that easy. Sometimes it's not that fun. Sometimes we don't know that we need a break. We don't want a break. We're perfectly content in doing what we're doing, going where we're going, knowing what we know.



But the thing about God is, He knows things we don't know. He sees things that we don't see. He knows our hearts and our minds so deeply, deeper than we ever will.



Sometimes we suddenly find ourselves in a place where nothing is familiar. The people we knew are no longer around. The things we used to do are no longer needed. The things we used to know no longer apply or make sense.

My entire past year has been this way. Upon getting married, David and I moved to a new town, a new state, a new everything. We were completely excited about the move; completely trusting that this was of the Lord, thus He had a perfect plan and purpose for moving us. We're always up for something new and any kind of adventure. And what better adventure than to move to a new state with your new spouse?!

Looking back over the year, I can't say I don't believe those things anymore. I certainly do. Probably even more so. But the thing about God is, He knows things we don't know. And that is comforting; it means we don't have to worry. He's got it. All.
But that also means that what we want, what we expect, is usually not what He knows will happen. And that's certainly a lesson I learned throughout the past several years, time and again. Those transitional times throughout college, for example, when you change living situations at least once a year and never know until the last minute where you'll be living or who you'll be living with. Those were some stressful times! But I knew that God had it under control and that it would work out fine. And it always did. And it was always amazing.

This past year hasn't been like that for me. It's been hard. And long. And frustrating.
To clarify: although this year has, obviously, coincided with my first year of marriage, I can't say that aspect of the year has been hard. It's been perfect. I love marriage!! David and I have had more fun and laughs than I could have ever asked for! But everything outside of my marriage...not so much.

It's been the longest lesson in patience and in being content I've ever encountered. Thankfully, it can't compare with the 40 years that the Israelites waited for their prayers to come to fruition. But it's certainly been long.

I have had nothing to pour myself into. I haven't felt as if I was supposed to serve in ministry. I haven't had friends. I don't have any familiar place where I can go to escape. I haven't had kids to babysit. I, thankfully, did have a part-time job in a school as an aide to some students who needed extra help. But it wasn't challenging, it wasn't fulfilling. And though I finally made some connections with co-workers, I generally did not enjoy it. I have now been out of school for a year and a half and have yet to have a teaching job. And that's hard, when it's the thing I've wanted to do since I was a kid...when everyone I know who even considers teaching gets a job before me? I'm happy for them, I truly am. But when is it my turn?

It's like everything that brought me comfort, joy, identity...has been stripped away.
And I've hated it! I've tried SO hard to be content, as I know I'm supposed to be, but I have had to surrender angry, bitter, frustrated attitudes almost every day.

So last week I took a long walk with God. It was just a day that everything had gotten to me. I was sick and tired of sitting in my apartment all day, every day, with nothing to do. I walked and I talked and the cloudy skies overhead threatened to open up and leave me drenched, but I didn't care. I was angry and I was tired of being angry and tired of waiting and tired of not understanding why in the world I'm here or what in the world I'm supposed to be doing.



I vented and talked and walked for half an hour and then decided to shut up so God could talk.
How is it ever surprising to me when I do that...and He does? :)


I argued, "I need something to pour myself into!"
He whispered, "Pour into Me."

I argued, "I need something to do!!"
He whispered, "Be with Me."

I argued, "I want to know people!"
He whispered, "Know Me."

I argued, "I need a job!!"
He whispered, "I'm all you need."

I began to realize that it wasn't just that I wanted to serve, that I wanted to teach, that I wanted to meet people. I was wanting people to know me...to know that I'm a hard worker, to know that I'm great with kids, to know that my husband and I are just wonderful and have a perfect marriage...I wanted to love because I wanted to be loved, when I should be wanted to love because I am loved.

God stripped me everything I knew, everything I was good at, everything I found my identity in...to draw me closer to Him. To show me that my identity isn't in all those things that I thought defined who I was. My identity is in Him alone. And He may give me gifts, strengths, desires...but my identity is not found in those things. My life is not about those things. My life is about Jesus.

My Love took me away for awhile. He wanted me to know Him more. He wanted me to spend time with Him. He wanted me to get away from things that might distract me from Him. He wanted to teach me new things. He wanted to teach me how to be a wife. He wanted me to love His son, David.

I can't say that I've made a turn-around in my attitude since then. But. When I feel that way, I can remember, that although it's hard for me to appreciate it right now, this really is a sweet, sweet time; a sweet gift from my God to just be with Him. To just be, to just grow, to just love, and learn. I know I will look back and appreciate this time.

Waiting is hard. But it has a reason. It has a purpose. We must make the most of it. The waiting times. The desert times. The times when nothing makes sense. Draw close to Him.

² Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.
Deuteronomy 8